I know you were wondering…

September 7, 2007

Today I was reading “Savage Love” which is a sex-advice column by Dan Savage. It resembles something like Dear Abby. Savage Love has been responsible for some of the funniest sexual terminology, such as santorum, named after the homophobic Republican senator, Rick Santorum. What’s the definition? The frothy mix of lube and fecal matter found after anal sex. Oh and there’s pegging, which is a short way to describe when women use strap on dildos to fuck their male partners. Anyways….

So I was reading it today and someone wrote with a problem, that I know is ALWAYS happening to me. It probably happens to you too! If you want to know how to avoid a faux pas, read the following!

Q: My friends and I were debating a troubling incident over drinks and figured you would be the best person to ask: What should you do when you’re at a party, and while looking for a toilet, you accidentally walk into the bedroom of someone you know, but don’t know well, and discover a boy half her age tied to her bed? (Half her age = very early 20s.) The boy is not just tied to her bed, but also has a giant, leather muzzle-like thing buckled over his mouth, clothespins on his nipples, his cock exposed—and hard, which seems relevant—and, this is an important detail, a look of panic in his eyes?

My friend said, “Oh! Sorry!,” shut the door, and quickly left without saying anything. But should she have done something more? Called the police, perhaps?

-Concerned Women For America

An. Did the boy want to be there? His hard cock would seem to scream, “Yes! Yes!” But what of his look of panic? It’s tempting to credit that look to the bondage or the clothespins or his helplessness and presume that he’s being held against his will. But a naked boy sprawled out on a bed of rose petals, a dozen tiny tea candles twinkling on the windowsill, dollops of whipped cream on his nipples, will also look panicked when a stranger walks into the room. So it’s likelier that this boy was merely distressed—and humiliated and turned on and thrilled—at being discovered by someone else, a stranger, in this helpless condition, exposed as a perv and some kinky, older femdom’s sex slave.

But this boy, unlike a boy rolling around on a bed of rose petals, can’t bolt if whipped cream or clothespins are applied to his nipples in a nonconsensual fashion. So here’s what your friend should do if she ever finds herself in a similar situation: Step into the room, close the door, walk over to the boy, unbuckle his gag, and ask him if he’s all right. If he says yes, ask him if he’s sure. If he says yes again, ask him if he’s really sure. If he says yes a third time, take the clothespins off his nipples, count to 10, give the clothespins a half turn, put them back on his tits, and quietly leave the room.

Then your friend should rejoin the party, hand the gag to her host, and say, “You do know it’s not safe to leave a tied-up person—particularly a gagged one—alone, right?”

-Dan Savage 

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